This Life
by ArtimisWind
Summary: This story takes place just after season 3.  It's in Tara's POV, and it's how I see her handeling everything
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I own nothing all characters are propety of the wonderfully talented Kurt Sutter.

Please send reviews, this is my first fan fiction and I want to make it a great one. It's told from Tara's POV and mostly in the form of a mental recap. This story takes place just after season 3. I am thinking as the story unfolds to me I will change the POV and include some more dialoge but for now this is the story as I see it.

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><p>I really don't know how much more I can take. In the last 2 months I have had my Son ripped from my arms while I watched one of Jax's Brothers bleed out on the floor. I have had Jax blame me and tell me that him and Abel are not my family, I helped his mom murder the caregiver, found out I was pregnant, and walked in on Jax just after he fucked that porn cunt Ima. After all of that I was kidnapped, forced to murder that bitch Louisa and survived being beat by her psycho old man Salazar. I can put all of that aside because it is nothing compared to what I was about to go through.<p>

Last night after Jax had rescued me and we had made sure our baby was alright, we went to gemma's topick up our Son. Yes "our" Son because no matter what, Abel is mine. We went home and bathed Abel then put him to bed. After spending hours talking through everything, and I mean everything that had happened. We made sure we were in a good place and then we made love. We both knew today was going to be the last time we were together for a while so we took full advantage of the time we had left.

All of that though is nothing compared to how scarred I am today. I am so afraid I will lose both Jax and Abel now. Standing there while the ATF and that Bitch Stahl are dragging Jax off and listening to his brothers tell him he's a dead man was more than I could take. Looking into Gemma's shocked and scarred eyes I knew this was bad. I can't understand why Jax would risk his life like this. Why would he rat? And once he was gone it was a very real possibility that Gemma or even Wendy would take my Son from me. I swear I will get that bitch Stahl back for this. If Jax dies and my kids lose their Daddy I will kill her myself. After all she's responsible for us losing Donna as well. Donna was my best friend growing up and coming home I was able to get all of my family back. That is until this bitch came in and started taking them away, one by one. Donna, Sak, Abel, Gemma and now Jax and the guys. God that bitch will get what's coming to her.

After the scene at the club Lyla offered to take Abel over to spend some time with Gemma. I knew I needed a few hours to pull myself together and then I would go pick him up. Part of the deal Jax worked apparently got Gemma off on 6 months house arrest, 3 months if she behaved. At least, I am not all alone. I still have Gemma, Opie and Lyla. Lyla and I have gotten close. Between her slapping the shit out of Ima's skanky ass and me taking her for her abortion we have gotten to know each other really well. It's nice to have someone close to my age who I can talk to about the stuff with SAMCRO. Not everyone understands and it's nice that she does. She's just a kind hearted person and I'm glad Ope has her.

I walked into the house and collapsed to the floor in tears as soon as I closed the door. The house felt so damn empty without Jax and Abel in it. Once I was finally able to pull myself together I decided I needed to clean up the house and get myself together so that I could go get Abel and bring him home. As I was pulling Jax's dirty laundry out of his bags I found the letters from Maureen. I couldn't believe what I was reading. I was shocked that John thought Gemma and Clay would kill him. I was saddened by the fact that John had fallen in love in Belfast and that the man I had once worshipped as a father figure was happy to abandon his son (the love of my life) for the new family he started in Belfast. Reading those letters's made me sick to my stomach. How could we have all been so wrong about John Teller. How could he leave his wife and kids here and start a new family and honestly consider never seeing them again. If Thomas hadn't gotten bad he may have never bothered with them again. After reading this I was glad he was gone. What a bastard. We all thought the sun rose and set in John, we all could not have been more wrong. The more I sat there and thought about it the more I figured if Gemma and Clay had killed John, maybe he got what he deserved.

I couldn't stand to stare at those letters any longer. I took them and put them away in the closet. If I ever got to talk to Jax again I would have to tell him about those letters, but it will have to wait until the time is right. Just then a knock at the door broke me from my concentration. I quickly grabbed the gun and went to answer the door. Standing there staring at the barrel of my gun were the prospects. I quickly invited them in and put the gun down.

" Jax wanted us to drop this by after everything was over" Miles said "He wants you to burn the letter once you read it" Phil chimed in.

He took a large manila envelope from his cut and handed it to me. With that they walked back out the door. I quickly locked the door and went to sit down on the couch. I stared at the envelope for what seemed like hours before I forced myself to open it. Inside was a folded piece of paper and a bunch of legal documents. I opened the letter first.

_My Dearest Tara, _

_I want you to know how sorry I am to have worried you the way I know you worried today. Please don't be scared. If you are reading this letter it means everything has went as we planned. Yes Babe I said as WE planned. You know I would never turn rat. I would never do that to my club and I would never put you and our sons through that. I couldn't fill you in on this before, we all agreed it was too dangerous for you or Mom to know what was going on. It would have made you guy's accessories. The deal that was made gave Mom her house arrest for fleeing and cleared her of murder. For giving Jimmy to the ATF we will be doing short time, three years. Fourteen months with good behavior for giving information on our Irish connection. However, we knew Stahl would double cross us and she played right into our hands. Mom's paperwork and our deal have already been filed and now Stahl and Jimmy are both dead and the paperwork regarding our Irish connection has been destroyed. _

_Inside this envelope you are going to find some other documents. I had the lawyers start this paperwork as soon as we set our plan into motion. There are papers giving you full custody of Abel while I am locked up and also adoption papers. Once you sign the papers where they are marked, give them back to Lohen. She will file them and as soon as they are put on record you will be Abel's Mother... legally. Don't worry Mom knows and won't fight you on it. Also there are other documents in there that put you on the title of the house and gives you access to all of my accounts. I don't want you struggling to do everything on your own. Everything I have is now yours as well. Also in there is an even smaller envelope, I want you to make an honest man out of me. This is not how I wanted to do this and I promise when I get out I will get down on one knee and do this right but, Tara Knowles will you make me the happiest man in the world and be my wife? This way while you are walking around town carrying my Son you will at least have an engagement ring on your finger. I hope you like it babe. I was going to get the ring my Dad gave my Mom and give it from you but after all I learned in Belfast I didn't want to put his ring on your finger. So, I had one of the prospects pick this up for me last night. I had seen it in the window at the jewelers and I knew immediately it was perfect, just like you. After all right now you are the Princess of Charming and I promise Babe as soon as I get out of here I plan to make you my Queen. _

_I love you babe more than words can ever say. I have loved you since before we were 16 and I will love you for the rest of my life. I already miss you so much. Be sure to kiss Abel for me and tell him it will be alright. Tell both of our boys how much I love them both already._

_Jax_

I finally let out a breath that I didn't know I was holding in and picked up the papers. Sure enough it was all here custody papers, adoption papers, title documents to the house and information on all of Jax's accounts. I could not stop the tears. He knew I would worry about losing Abel and he had given him to me legally. Now nothing anyone did could take him away from me. I grabbed a pen from the table and immediately signed them and called Lohen.

"Hello"

"Lowen its me Tara, I just got the adoption papers from Jax. I signed them now what do I need to do?" I asked. She began to chuckle as soon as I finished.

"Jax made me promise that as soon as you called I hightailed it to your house to get and file those papers. If I leave now I can get them down to the courthouse before they close."

"Thank you Lohen you have no idea how much this means to me."

"Tara honey I have seen the way you look at Abel. I know this means everything to you."

With that she hung up the phone. After that was done I picked up the small envelope and my hands began to tremble. I opened the envelope and shook the contents into my hand. Inside that envelope was a beautiful 1 carat princess cut diamond ring with small diamonds set inside the white gold band. Tears streaming down my face at full force now (thanks to my damn pregnancy hormones). I placed my beautiful ring on my finger and I lay down on the couch clutching the adoption papers to my chest and staring at my ring. I cried myself to sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: I am really sorry it has taken me so long to update. Things have been so hectic and once they settled down I kinda felt like I was just done with the story since the season started. But recently I have been thinking that I am not done and I still want to tell this story. You see real changes in Tara and we don't have much explaination. So I thought why not...the Tara we see now is how I seen her evolving anyway! Please read and review and I will be posting another chapter in a few days.**

**I disclaim I own nothing all chacters belong to the wonderfully talented Kurt Sutter.**

Chapter 2

My cell ringing woke me up it was Lowen.

"Tara I just wanted to let you know the papers have all been filed and everything is taken care of. I will have all of your official paperwork tomorrow and will bring it all by then. Also, I was just contacted by the guys and everything went well and they are all settled in at Stockton. I will also go see them tomorrow. Do you want me to come see you before or after I go?"

I thought about it for a minute.

"Can you take pictures to them when you go?"

"No, I can't give them hard copies of pictures just yet. But, once they are out of their week waiting period you can send them all of the pictures you want. If there is something you want me to show him I can take a picture on my phone and show it to him that way."

"Please stop by and see me first then…I have a few things I would like to show my Fiancé."

"See you in the morning sweetie…go pick up your Son!"

"Thanks Lowen…I don't know what we would do without you…see you tomorrow."

I hung up the phone. Got up off of the couch and grabbed a cup of tea and my pen and note pad. I needed to get a list together of what all I needed to take care of and I just don't trust my pregnant brain to remember it all. After all at least over the next few months I am going to be a single Mom, a Surgeon, run things at Teller-Morrow and be acting "Queen Bitch" for the club…talk about a full plate. First thing is to get the prospects over to my Dads house and get it cleaned up, and then I will call a Realtor and put it on the market. This is my home now…Jax made sure of that. I no longer need the safety net of my Dad's place to run back to and it hasn't held the happiest of memories for me anyway. Next I will go to the bank in the morning and move all of my accounts over to Jax's and close the old ones out. We are going to be a married couple I no longer need that safety net either. If what's his is mine now then what's mine is his now as well. I also need to contact my insurance and get Abel added…he's mine now and with everything that has happened I want to be sure he is covered as well as changing my will and life insurance and such to include him and Jax. With all that has happened it has made me sure that tomorrow isn't guaranteed and as a Mother I need to be ready for anything.

When I get to Gemma's I will talk to Lyla I am going to need her help with Gemma and with all of the things I will have to do as well. She has really stepped up and while she is no Donna, I love her in her own right. She has become my best friend and it looks like she will be my right hand once Jax and Opie take their rightful place in the club. I finish cleaning up the house and head off to Gemma's to get my Son and talk to Gemma and Lyla. I need to make sure we are all on the same page. I am not going to let anyone else know about the letters. I need to talk to Jax about them first but at some point I will let Gemma know all about them.

I always thought Gemma was a cold hearted bitch but I think now, I have a little bit more understanding as to why she is the way she is. I actually kind of respect her a bit more for it. When the time comes for me to step in to my role as "Queen Bitch" I will take a few pointers from her. I will still be me and run things my way but I will take a few lessons from her without a doubt.

After I finish straightening up I go and take a shower and get myself cleaned up. I put my gun in my purse and walk out the door to the Cutlass. While things have died down, I know the world we live in is dangerous and no one will ever catch me unaware again. I will gun down anyone who threatens my family again and happily walk right over their cooling corpse. Yep, I know now I am not still the same naïve Tara that returned to Charming a year ago. But, I like the new me… I am now who I was always meant to be…Jackson Teller's Old Lady…the Surgeon, the Fearless Mother and the other hard ass bitch in Charming that you don't want to cross. It's an odd mix sure but it's who I am and who I was born to be.

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><p>I walk into Gemma's place and she grabs me and pulls me to her. We stand there for a few minutes just holding each other. It's going to be a long lonely 14 months and we are going to have to lean on each other to get through. She pulls away and says<p>

"Did you get a letter too?" I can't hide the smile any longer and grinning I say

"Yes and a few other things as well!" Holding up my left hand for her and Lyla to see. Lyla lets out a huge squeal and comes running up hugging me. After everyone admires the ring we sit down and start to discuss in detail what all else was included and where we go from here.

"He said in the letter that he made you aware of his intentions with Abel, are you alright with that Gemma?" I ask as I hold my breath a little afraid of her answer. She sits there a few minutes in silence and I am starting to get a bit nervous when she finally says

"When you first came back it was no secret I wanted you gone. You ripped my family apart when you left. Jax was torn up and was never really the same until you came back…but he wasn't the only one hurt when you ran off. Opie, the guys and especially Clay and I were hurt too. I couldn't risk letting you in…only for you to decide you couldn't stick and running out on me and Jax again…neither of us would have handled that well. But Tara hun, you have more than proven you are in it for the long haul with us and we will get through all of this together you me and our two little boys." I can't believe what I just heard and all I can say is

"Thanks Gemma you don't know how much it means to hear you say that."

"Well don't get used to it cuz you won't hear it again and I will cut your tongue out if either of you ever tells any one I said that…I have to maintain my stone cold bitch image…I am getting too old to go around smacking crow eaters in the face with skate boards."

"Wouldn't dream of mentioning it." Lyla and I both say at the same time laughing.

We sit there discussing what all Jax told me for a while and I filled Gemma in on my plans for the house and insurance and my will and things. After a few hours Opie comes in and takes Lyla home. Now that it's just Gemma and I she turns to me and says

"Mind staying her with the Grandson and keeping an old broad company tonight? I really don't want to be alone tonight."

"Sure Gemma we can stay tonight I really don't want to be alone either right now…but don't get too used to it. I am taking my Son home to his own bed tomorrow. You got that!"

"Yeah I got it, but since I have my new piece of jewelry here and can't leave this place you are gonna have to bring our boy here and spend some of your time with me you got it?"

"Yeah, yeah."

We sit there for a bit and play with Abel. Finally I am too exhausted to continue on and take Able to bed. Even though I am not in my own bed tonight and I cannot snuggle up to Jax, I quickly fall into a restful sleep. Today was just too stressful not to now that I can relax.

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><p>In the morning I am woke up to the smell of bacon and pancakes. While it smells good I am quickly reminded that in just 6 short months we will be welcoming home the newest Teller when I have to rush to the bathroom. After what seemed like hours but was in reality only a minute or two, I finished heaving my all too empty stomach into the toilet. I stand up wash my face and glance at the clock. It's still early, just after 8:00 am. I go downstairs to find Abel in his high chair and Gemma finishing up cooking. Gemma hands me a cup of decaf and a few crackers and tells me "Eat them it will help." Once I eat them and we are sure they are staying put she sits a plate in front of me.<p>

"Eat that… you are carrying my Grandson and dealing with the other one…I can't have you not taking care of yourself. I need you strong so you can take care of everyone else as well…we need you right now baby."

"Thanks Gemma, I really needed this. It smells delicious."

"Yeah, I heard that. If I didn't know better I would be offended."

We can't help but laugh and us laughing makes Abel squeal in delight which just makes us laugh louder. As I am finishing eating Gemma tells me that Phil is on his way and he is going to go with me while I run my errands. That in her letter from Jax he made it clear that one of the guys was to be with me at all times unless I was a home in bed or while I was working. He wanted to make sure "the boys" and I were safe but mostly that I had plenty of help around. I can't help but laugh at the fact that Jax is so sure this baby is a boy. I hate to think about how disappointed he is going to be if we are having a girl. Just as Phil was walking in Lowen called my cell.

"Hey Lowen you ready to meet me?"

"Yep, are you at home still?"

"No, I am at Gemma's can you stop over here?"

"Sure no problem, I needed to see her today anyway."

Phil sits down to breakfast and while I am waiting on Lowen I let him know my plans for the day. Gemma offers to keep an eye on Abel for a few hours while I run my errands so that she can get some more quality "Grandma Time". I know she knows that I am still off duty at the hospital for the next 2 weeks and she figures that while I am off she won't get much quality time just her and Abel. She's right. I plan on taking the next two weeks and establishing a new routine for Abel and I. A new normal that will carry us until the baby is born. Lowen walks in and hands me the official adoption papers and the new title to the house and the truck. I instruct her on the changes I need made to my will and ask her to take a picture for Jax. I sit down on the couch and hold Abel on my lap…with the adoption paper in my left hand. She confirms she can see my ring plain as day in the picture. Gemma pipes in with a snarky

"How the hell could you miss that thing… at least Jax got his taste from me."

We all start to laugh and the result is a huge smile on both mine and Abel's face in the picture. I hand her a note for Jax and she promises to deliver it to him when she sees him later. With that I hand Abel over to Gemma and let her know I will be back shortly. I Grab my purse and walk out the door with Phil.

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><p>Our first stop is at a self-storage place not far from my Dad's. While I am renting a unit Phil calls Miles and tells him meet us at my Dad's house. Once we get there, I instruct them on what to move to Jax's and what to take to storage that way I can deal with it later when I am ready. I hand Miles the key and codes to the storage unit and tell him he has 1 week to get it all taken care of. With that Phil and I head to the realtors office where I get the house listed. After the realtor assures me he will get the house listed as soon as Miles is done emptying it I am off to the bank. Phil stays out by the car while I go in. I sit down with the branch manager and show him my documents and explain what I want to do. An hour later I emerge from the bank with copies of the documents (after placing all of the originals in a safety deposit box), new checks for our now joint checking account and a new bank card. Then it's off to the hospital.<p>

When I walk in I head straight to Margret's office. She glances up when I knock.

"Tara what are you doing here? I thought you were taking two weeks leave? Is everything ok?"

"Yeah, everything is fine. Jax's attorney surprised me last night with some documents from Jax so I need to make some changes to my stuff here."

I reach into the envelope and pull out the adoption papers and hand them to her. She doesn't disappoint and notices my ring right off. I know she wants better for me then Jax and I understand why after she explained things during our time with Salazar. So, I am shocked when she tells me

"I really am happy for you…you know I am not his biggest fan but it's obvious this is the life you want. Just keep in mind if you should change your mind I will do whatever I can to help you."

"I know and I really appreciate it. Here is the paperwork showing that I am now legally Abel's Mother. I need to add him to my health insurance and my life insurance. I need that to be split between Abel and Jax should anything happen to me. I also want Abel enrolled in the hospital daycare in case I need to use that. As well as having all of these documents added to Abel's medical records. "

"Oh Tara I really am happy for you and Abel… I am glad he will remain with you while his Father is away. Give me just a second to make these changes and you can sign the forms. Then I will add these documents to Abel's file."

She finishes typing the changes and prints the documents out. I sign them and leave the hospital after saying goodbye. With that Phil and I are off to Teller-Morrow. We pull into the lot just before 1:00pm. I park the car and Opie walks up to me and drags me into a hug.

"How you doing Tara? I wasn't expecting you today is everything ok?"

"Yeah Ope, I am fine a little tired but I needed to handle some stuff this morning before I felt like I could relax."

"Come on into the club house the old man is in there with Chibs and Kosik. I hear you are keeping our boys busy! By the way Phil take your ass over there and help Miles. I know Tara told him a week but you have 48 hours to get it done. I want to send Jax that listing as soon as he's allowed to have it!"

"Thanks Phil, I really appreciate your help with everything."

"No problem Doc! Anything…anytime."

"Watch yourself Prospect…that's your VP's old lady. There is no prison clause with her and I will shoot you myself."

I punched Opie and waved at Phil and walked in to the arms of our remaining club members. After watching the boys knock back several celebratory shots and drinking some hot tea myself, I went into the Teller-Morrow office to gather some stuff from Chuckie for Gemma. Around 3:00pm I was done and ready to go back to Gemma's and get some food.

"Hey guys…I'm all done in here and I am gonna head back to Gemma's and get my boy!"

"No problem Tara, Kosik and I will come with you. I will stay at Gemma's and Kosik will go with you. Later tonight I will come hang with you and Abel."

"Ope…you guys don't need to do this. I can take care of us. There is no immediate threat and I have guns."

"Save it Tara we are following orders here. Trust me we will have the prospects camped in the back yard once they are done with their current tasks…"

"It'll build character!" Piney chimes in.

I know I won't win this…maybe if I play along by the time I am ready to go back to work the guys will back off a bit. Then again maybe when I get back to work I won't want them to back off. I drive over to Gemma's lost in thought. All in all it's been a productive day. Once I get a chance to talk to Jax about all of this he will know I really am in it for the long hall…then again I guess if he didn't know that he wouldn't have given me Abel.


End file.
